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I Miss it There Sometimes

22 February, 2017

I told myself I would never look back but I can't help but be haunted by the old me. Sometimes I look around at this city and am reminded of when I wanted to leave here so badly. I think it's the familiarity that makes me feel like a stranger in my own home. I don't know if this is where I'll spend the rest of my life but I've told myself this is where I want to be at least for now. I told myself I wouldn't look back on what I left behind to be here, but as I slip into old habits I'm scared of returning to that scary place.


I've made progress here. I smile everyday and I get three (moderately healthy) meals. There are people that love me and I am subtly reminded everyday. I fit like a puzzle piece into more than a handful of lives. I'm comfortable and crossing the line into uncomfortable reminds me of who I was before I entered the city of refuge. I have everything I wanted, and yet it doesn't feel like enough.

I don't know if I really miss being there, I know that sometimes I feel a longing for what could have been. I think of walking my dog to the park, seeing children get off a school bus, watching Gossip Girl in the afternoon. People moved like they were glued to a conveyor belt and they will never move from that straight lined path. I never made it to the path and I couldn't fit their schedules, but I really wished I had tried harder. I could have made it, I could have been apart of their comfort and ignorance, if I only tried harder. I should have opened myself more to the possibility of them. I should have made more friends and tried harder. Sometimes I wish I had tried harder.

I've said it before and I'll say it again: going to that place made me who I am. I don't regret leaving it, not for a second, but I miss how I felt before reality hit. Sometimes I miss what might have been if I had only tried harder.


XOXOXO

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