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unbalanced love

16 July, 2019

Many people consider there to be more than one type of love. Love we have for friends or family, love that is romantic, love that we have for ourselves. When we love, we do so recklessly because we cannot help the way that we love. It is the fire that burns forever and fuels us. Sometimes you love people because they love you back and sometimes you love people because you know they cannot love you back. Sometimes it is unbalanced and sometimes this balance is what gets you up in the morning. I'm holding onto it anyway and trying to find my way through.


Sometimes loving yourself is a one-sided love. You know that you care about your own well-being and you believe enough in yourself to want to do better and succeed, but not enough to be there on the other side and receive any of that. Sometimes you care enough to eat healthy food and take care of your skin but forget that it is so much more then just surface-level-love. You have to want what is best for yourself in the long run and work towards a future that is selfish sometimes but never lonely.

Sometimes you want the best for other people but they get in their own way. You can see the way their behavior is self destructive the way that only another person can, and you want to give them the help that they don't know that they need. Sometimes they love you too but don't want you to get involved, so they fail to see how their lack of love for themselves hurts their love for you. Sometimes you have to let things get worse before they can get better.


Sometimes you see someone for the first time and know that you could love them forever. It is superficial but with every glance it grows until you can't stop thinking about what it would be like if they loved you back. Sometimes you want to love someone so much that the fear of ruining what you don't even quite have, prevents you from knowing for sure. You could live your whole life this, wanting to love but never finding the courage to manifest it, so you begin to ask yourself if you have ever really loved. Just because the way they run their hands through their hair makes your heart skip a beat doesn't mean you love them. It just means that you want to. It just means that you could. Which is almost more dangerous than actually loving them.

So can you love someone you've never even talked to? Can you look at someone just doing their job and know that you would spend every afternoon with them if they just asked? Can you look at an old person in the mall sitting alone and feel your heart swell, wondering what their life has been like and wanting to talk for hours? Are these forms of love and is it possible to feel like you really know someone even if you don't know really them and are these thoughts just selfish daydreams meant to serve some sort of interior motive or is this how the world works? Do we all function because of these tiny acts of invisible love?


Can you love an object? What about an activity or a job? What I want to know is if can you love the things that can't love you back?

Sometimes the endless flow of words you thought you had inside of you stops one day. Sometimes that well is dried up for months. Then you turn around and suddenly it is there and the river is flowing out of you faster then you can put into words.

Sometimes a song is all it takes to change your day and you love this song for the way it makes you feel. You love every part of the lyrics and the melody which turns into a love for its artist. Then a love for a genre, a collection of t-shirts, photos from a concert, a worn pair of headphones, a sky that has never looked the same.

Are people born this way? Are we born to want things but too scared to make them a reality because reality has a chance of letting us down, but wants, oh wants  are only imaginary? Does God not tell you when these things are going to happen? He just clears your schedule and leaves you with a funny feeling in your chest, a funny feeling that makes you wonder if you have ever really been whole before this moment?


So love hurts. Unrequited love hurts because you can only blame yourself for wanting something than cannot be given thoughtlessly. It hurts because you want the job or the grade or the house or the hand to hold so badly that you work up a dream in your head that compared to the reality . . . hurts.

This is unbalanced love. This is what you think you can blame yourself for. What you think you have control over. It is what fuels random acts of kindness and it is what creates luck. It is empathy and concern, compassion and sympathy, patience and tolerance, little bits of the dream that turn reality. It is what makes everything okay and everything possible. It is also what keeps me up at night. The idea of what could be and what does.

How we capture it- I don't know. I just know it is there and as long as I feel it, other people do too.

Do these thoughts bring anyone specific to mind? Do you overthink as much as I do? How does wanting to love change how you love?


XOXOXO

2 comments:

  1. I love this!!! I've been thinking about this recently a lot as well: there is so much in this world that needs love (not just people!!) and it really just comes down to the bigger purpose God put us on earth to do: to glorify him!

    P.S. I just came to your blog from Erin's blog Acoustic Erin and I LOVE your aesthetic!! Your blog is so pretty!! 😍😍

    Hanne || losingthebusyness.wordpress.com

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    Replies
    1. thank you!! Love is so important but I put a little too much into my blog haha + I really like your blog too! Thanks for your comment! ♡

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