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the idea of being better keeps me awake

26 June, 2020

I wrote a few weeks ago (in this post) about how I'm desperately trying to be present and in a state of self awareness. I've felt stuck and like I can't really move forward through the haze and in a sense I'm trying to take a little step towards being more of my best self. Someday when I am that person I think I'll be in a better place mentally, physically, socially, psychologically, all of it.

This idea of my best self is really what drives me as a person and I'm still figuring out which pieces of my life right now, the things that I like and do, are going to stick around and prove to be core aspects of myself as a person. I think I have a hard time really accepting and giving my all to things like art, writing, music, etc., because I'm afraid they won't be in my life forever and therefore I shouldn't commit to them. I know I've been writing songs since I was a child but what if it is still just a phase? What if I'm distancing myself from things now so I have nothing to let go of later? Maybe I'm being a little too self aware. What I do know  is that I spend a lot of time consuming those same hobbies (art, music, film, books, etc.) and that inspires a large part of who I think I want to be in 10, 20, or 30 years, so maybe my whole idea of self is skewed. Maybe people are different than what I think they are.

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