I've never wanted to reveal too much about my identity on this small corner of the internet, but there are a few things going on that have prompted me to speak up. I live in a part of the world where I'm not majorly impacted by the #blacklivesmatter movement or the #metoo movement or any of the other major events that we are witnessing in history right now, but my eyes are open enough to know that no place is exempt from racism, sexism, homophobia, classism, etc., etc., etc. I ask that everyone try to pay attention to social issues and speak up when you see injustice because it benefits all of us as human beings.

I talk about these issues in my personal life and just wanted to say that I'm choosing not to go into depth on it because this is not the place for that. This is a space to talk about feelings and art and heartbreak and growth and advice and random thoughts that pop up around midnight. This is an outlet so I don't really think it benefits the world for me to talk to my small audience (that I'm very grateful for) about the worst parts of humanity. I didn't want to write something about these issues out of guilt or something half-hearted to fit in with the other things I read online because it deserves more. I wanted to add a small list of things that I think have helped me become more educated on these issues and some resources that I think have really changed my perspective on things that are bigger than myself. 

the idea of being better keeps me awake

I wrote a few weeks ago (in this post) about how I'm desperately trying to be present and in a state of self awareness. I've felt stuck and like I can't really move forward through the haze and in a sense I'm trying to take a little step towards being more of my best self. Someday when I am that person I think I'll be in a better place mentally, physically, socially, psychologically, all of it.

This idea of my best self is really what drives me as a person and I'm still figuring out which pieces of my life right now, the things that I like and do, are going to stick around and prove to be core aspects of myself as a person. I think I have a hard time really accepting and giving my all to things like art, writing, music, etc., because I'm afraid they won't be in my life forever and therefore I shouldn't commit to them. I know I've been writing songs since I was a child but what if it is still just a phase? What if I'm distancing myself from things now so I have nothing to let go of later? Maybe I'm being a little too self aware. What I do know  is that I spend a lot of time consuming those same hobbies (art, music, film, books, etc.) and that inspires a large part of who I think I want to be in 10, 20, or 30 years, so maybe my whole idea of self is skewed. Maybe people are different than what I think they are.

On Being Present

For a while I've had a feeling that I'm not quite myself. Or that I'm myself but not my best self or my most productive self or my most present self. And maybe it's been art block or just my situation that is keeping me from actualization (or something) but I want to try to be more of an active participant in my own life.

I want to be more aware and conscious of my feelings like I used to be and find a way to be that person again. There's just something about this time and this place that makes me feel like I'm just living on the surface. Like there are thoughts and opinions I am keeping and I can reach them more if I just knew where they were hiding. If I knew which hike I need to take or book I need to read or song I need to listen to in order to just clear my mind. I've been calling it presence- what I'm looking for is the ability to be present again in my own life.

Last Winter in Poetry

Decided now was a good time to reflect on the winter and put out some of the things I have written during that time. I am definitely feeling the effect of spring now and the seasons make such a difference. Winter is always a transitional time for me, maybe both an exciting and dull time at the same time. These are a few highlights and memories and ideas.

the days blend together

We are in a weird place, friends. The days are blending together and my sleep schedule is quite abnormal. This time is where I like to think that I thrive because being stuck in the house all day lets me finally catch up on chores and art that I've been avoiding. I've always loved taking time to do absolutely nothing and just slow down the busy routine from day to day.

This is why I've always loved Sundays and Summer because I feel really at peace when I can sleep in, make a quality breakfast, read a book, and take time to enjoy the sunlight coming through windows because I don't have to rush to another place. Having to constantly think about how I am going to break my day down to go through a check list really stresses me out when I do it for a while and I really hope to be in a place one day where I feel like I am in much more control and can do the things that really make me happy.