Yesterday I had some free time which I chose to spend being moody, thinking about everything at one. I hastily wrote down my thoughts in the middle of a crowd, and these are a few excerpts.

💔

Should I apologize for being moody? I could say I'm sorry for the confusion I caused, but to me it makes perfect sense. Some days are better than others, surely you know how this feels.

It's a combination of applications and deadlines that knock me over every single time. You can't blame me for the storm I caused and I can't blame you for getting caught in the middle.

I have a lot going on, I know I've mentioned this before. Everyday is an event and I'm an endless party planner. My horoscope tells me I'm controlling. My horoscope tells me things have to be my way or no way at all. I tell myself I want to be the one to blame when things go wrong. Every problem is my problem and no one else will know the right solution.

I say I don't want you in the way. You say you don't want me in my own way.

I pretend you are a better person than you actually are. You don't understand my moods and you don't laugh at my jokes. Sometimes all the planets align and I see the world in a colorful, beautiful way. Other times all the angles are wrong and every task is a burden. I don't want you in the way. Believe me, I see the irony in asking for help yet refusing once it's offered. I tell everyone to let me sort things out on my own. Believe me when I say I don't want to be alone.

Holding your hand is too complicated and eye contact can only be worse. I can talk and talk and talk but none of it is worth listening to. My words are not worth your time. Vague comments are my way of testing the water to see if you are ready for what I really have to say.

Everyone has so many views and opinions and I desperately want to share mine. My body disagrees with me and tells me I can't scream that loud, I need to stop and breathe. My mind always disagrees. Debate with me and I might pause long enough to hear your response.

 If I tell you how I really feel, will you listen? Will you understand? Will you tell me the universe will begin to bend in my favor? I want to pour my heart out to you, but I fear after I will have nothing left. I do not want to be an empty shell only your words can fill. I want to hold your hand but every fiber of my being tells me you will never calm my nerves.

My horoscope tells me I'm controlling. Nothing will ever be right unless I do it myself, I don't want you to get in the way. When I brush off your attempts to help me, it will never be perceived right. When I want your attention I will always run away and never admit how lonely I feel.

My horoscope tells me I am the hardest zodiac sign to love.

XOXOXO

Plant Poetry

. . . is exactly what you think it is. A burst of inspiration I felt one day and wrote down in my notes.

How dare you wilt

Right in front of me,

When my petals have already gone.

How dare you crumble

At my feet,

When I'm already dust.

Your cloud of insecurity

Is not match for the storm

Beneath my doorstep.

🌿

You grow where I wilt,

You bloom where I fall,

I thought you were merely a seed.

I can't help but wonder,

If you were always a garden,

But I'm planted as merely a weed.

XOXOXO

September + Life Update ☕

September consists of rainy days and warm sweaters. Days go by way too fast yet math class drags on and I can only wonder why the world works this way.

Lately I've been looking for . . .

• pumpkin candles
• scholarships
• a car
• rad blogs
• my library card
• community service opportunities
• new hairstyles
• art inspiration
• new music
• a halloween costume
• my sanity

Needless to say I have a lot going on but I have been looking for activities to fill the holes in my schedule and believe me when I say that I've found them. I updated my art page (finally) and plan on doing rad drawings for inktober so stay tuned! I'm also constantly searching for ideas to draw and inspiration so please let me know if you have any ideas. In the midst of my hectic life, stands my loyal friends that I love so much and I've made a summary of our life this month. . .

• My friend and I painted a spirit week banner and it's very large and perfect. I obsessed over it just a little but it came out great and stuck with our theme.
• My friends have all been sleeping over and working together to make this year a success. 
• I have a ton of homework to get through and I'm working little by little. Honors classes are draining but I'm trying not to worry about every little thing and focus on the big picture here. Straight A's do not mean as much as they used to.
• I drew a picture of a guitarist from the band Weathers and he liked my photo?? His girlfriend and the band account did too, and it was a nice self esteem booster :)

• Boy Drama: I considered making this a separate blog post but my "love life" can be summed up in a few sentences. On the first day of school this boy that I have not seen in a few years, came up to me and asked me if I remembered him. Honestly at the time I completely forgot who he was but after some deep thinking I remembered that we had a class together at the time. That was light-years ago so what I can't stop thinking about is why he sought me out, OF ALL PEOPLE, and asked me if I remembered him. Why he moved back, I haven't had the courage to ask. However I did learn that he loves music (swoon).
• My friends slept over and it was a lot of fun! We stayed up late, watched project runway and discussed the stars.
• Great TV shows are starting again and I am currently watching: scream queens, grey's anatomy, the 100, stranger things, project runway, and more! Let me know what you are watching and if you have any recommendations! 
• I have finally joined some extracurricular activities and my weekends are now mostly community service & homework & art! 

It's been a busy month but I am so happy that my life is full of things to do even if I get caught up sometimes. Let me know what you did all month and how you plan to spend October! Fall is finally here and I am loving all of the October posts on here so keep sharing!

 

XOXOXO