I want to be successful, but I don't know what that means.

03 November, 2016

I honestly don't know what I want out of life and it feels like there is a ticking time bomb on my ability to decide. Online I get to see other people that are living their day to day lives, working to achieve a goal. It gives me hope that maybe I'll find my place in the world and it gives insight to other possibilities. I'm just not sure how to get there.

I know that I can't wake up one day and get ready for a job that I don't want. My greatest fear is hating my life and I am so incredibly scared. I don't know what I want out of life and I feel lost. There is a supposed step between your current life and your ideal one. Like a minimum wage job that is going to set you up for your dream job and pay the college that will get you there. My greatest fear is getting caught in that middle step and I am so incredibly scared.

There is no way to tell the future and I fear the unknown. I had a brief moment a minute ago where I completely forgot who I was and what I am. It's so hard to summarize myself and clearly state what I want. While working on a school project I theorized a situation in which I would be asked why I didn't take other classes in school such as those in engineering or medical things. My response would have been (hypothetically) that I love art and it is the only thing I want to be involved in. In a crazy moment I realized that I take art not because I'm exceptionally good at it or because I love it. I take it because it's all I've really known and that scares me too. I don't even know if I love it because I haven't had any experience in anything else and I don't have time in my life to try anything else because I'm expected to have my life mapped out.

One of my teachers asked us what we wanted to with our lives, and rather that write out something about pursuing a career in art, I wrote a long heartfelt page about what I really wanted. I wrote about wanting love and coming home everyday to someone that thinks I'm beautiful. I wrote about being accepted for my flaws and having grades that accurately represent how much effort I've put into an assignment. I wrote about not wanting to feel ashamed when I cry about a minor detail and about wanting stability yet adventure at the same time. I want to be confident and love my clothes and eat healthy meals and find a way to love exercise. I want to live in a house that I know is prepared for a natural disaster and I want to never be afraid of the dark. When I'm 30, I want to wake up everyday loving life and I know it's unrealistic to want to be happy all the time but I want to be almost never sad. I wrote all of this down instead of writing a lie and doubt it was ever read.

I want someone to show me where the path begins to the life I want. I don't want my happiness to depend on how many likes I get on a photo or how my outfit compares to anothers. I want a life full of real things that matter and I want to change lives other than my own. I want to know where to start.


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