Currently Listening To:

13 April, 2017

West Virginia by The Front Bottoms

Heavy Gloom by The Story So Far

Last Nite by The Strokes

Party Poison by My Chemical Romance

XO by Fall Out Boy

The Take Over The Breaks Over by Fall Out Boy

The Kids From Yesterday by My Chemical Romance

Nobody Puts Baby in the Corner by Fall Out Boy

All I Wanted by Paramore

Save Yourself I'll Hold Them Back by My Chemical Romance


Self Esteem and Social Media

06 April, 2017

I hate myself a little more every time I check my phone. Every time I look for notifications that are never there, every time I pretend to be answering an urgent text message from a close friend. I'm tired of depending on the internet to validate me and I know this is nothing that hasn't been said before, but it's still how I feel right now.

I'm just as annoyed as the next guy at people who complain we are too dependent on social media. Everyone agrees with him but we're tired of hearing it because it's the harsh reality of life in 2017. I regret my need to restate the facts, but I feel like my whole life revolves around desperately wanting to be more than I am and accepting that who am now is just a work on progress. I know that I'm going to grow and change as a person, but do I have to despise who I am now? This is almost unrelated to the social media thing I was talking about, but not entirely because everyone else's pictures just make me feel like I'll never live up to them. See? The self esteem and social media thing go hand in hand.

I just wish everyone didn't feel like they have to make their lives look so mperfect. Like everyday is a literal walk in the park with your 7 closest friends. I just wish I didn't have to check my phone every five seconds, and that be a valid thing for me to spend my time doing. Now it's somehow 100% acceptable to spend 4 hours scrolling through your phone, and the entire weekend binge watching a Netflix Series that came out yesterday.

There's a million new unspoken rules (social norms, social scripts, expectations??) that accompany the fact that you follow everyone you know online, for example:
  1. If the picture you post doesn't get an even number of likes, there's no point in posting it
  2. If you stand anywhere for more than five seconds without taking out your phone to pass the time, you're a freak
  3. If you don't post pictures of an event online, it's like you weren't even there
  4. If you don't post on someones birthday a picture of you with that person, you're not even friends
  5. Binge watching 13 hours of a tv show is okay- if you rant about it on twitter
  6. You MUST have your phone in your hand or pocket at all times, because otherwise you could miss out on something incredibly important
Is it just me? Maybe I don't want to look at my phone while I'm eating a meal, or standing in a line, or with my friends, or at the mall, or on the couch, or at all. I'm tired of feeling like I'm supposed to spend every single second of my life looking at my phone. (Although taking the time to type this out isn't much better.)


How to Steal Parts of Other People

05 April, 2017

I find myself searching for the best parts of people to steal. I look at clothes and other superficial parts of people that I wish I had myself. I feel so shallow when I do it but I cant stop comparing myself to other people. I want to be nicer, more driven, have goals, anything other than who I am right now.

The slippery slope of insecurity is one I've fallen down before and I'm currently searching for another escape route. I make mood boards and tear apart bits and pieces of magazines; I watch movies and read books and search the internet. I feel like I'm plagiarizing every time I take a piece of someone else but I don't know how else to fill the holes in my own life.

I guess I'm just in a time of my life where I'm searching for an identity and struggling to find which parts of me are real. They say your personality stays constant your entire life but I couldn't feel farther from stable. Every situation brings out a different me and every time I try to catch them and weed out the imposters, they all blend together.


A Rainy Day Playlist 💦

20 March, 2017

How anyone can love the rain, I'll never know. I enjoy warm soup and a good book on a rainy day, but I'll always prefer the sunshine. Something about the rain pulls down on my entire soul, and here are the dramatic songs to accompany anyone else affected in the same way.


Early Sunsets Over Monroeville by My Chemical Romance
"Late dawns and early sunsets, just like my favorite scenes . . ."

Meant To Live by Switchfoot
"Maybe we've been living with our eyes half open"

Screen by Twenty One Pilots
"Excuse us while we sing to the sky"

Remembering Sunday by All Time Low
"From so many thousands of feet off the ground, I'm over you now"

Oh Ms Believer by Twenty One Pilots
"Your shaking shoulders prove that it's colder
inside your head, than a winter of dead"

Slow Dance On The Inside by Taking Back Sunday
"This glass house is burning down, 
you light the match, I'll stick around"

The Quiet Thing That No One Ever Knows by Brand New
"Wasting words on lower cases and capitals"

Created by yours truly to combine the rush of rock & roll with the drag of a rainy day.


When You Find Yourself Constantly Checking Your Phone

09 March, 2017

When I'm alone or unoccupied at any moment in public, I always have an urge to use my phone.

I feel a constant need to make myself look busy and important in public, and it seems like everyone around me does the same thing. It's unrealistic to expect everyone to start a conversation with strangers and I don't know what people did when they were bored before cell phones became so popular. As a millennial it feels like there is a lot of pressure to be social media savvy and be popular online. In public, the car, or the grocery store I need my phone in my hand and I need my ringtone up loud so everyone knows when I get a call. I have to check my notifications rights away, or at least pretend to, so that people know that although I'm alone in that moment, someone, somewhere cares about me.


I don't know where this pressure began or how it started, but it feels never ending. I don't mean to put down people who use the internet a lot (heaven knows I do), but do I have to use it all the time? Can I take a moment to breath and gather myself, before having to put on a face and pretend to be busy? I'm trying hard to change this and not let it bother me so much. I stand in a public setting without looking down at my phone, and I feel a bit more free, like I have an advantage.

When I'm in public now I've created a habit of doing two things: reading and people watching.

  1. You would not believe how much fun it is to look at people (in the least creepy way possible). Everyone is so incredibly different and I feel like our personalities are highlighted in public. 
  2. Between errands or classes is the best time to read and it's not something you have to schedule and is always a productive use of your time.
Instead of checking my phone for texts I know I don't have, and pretending to be someone I'm not, I stand in the moment and am exactly who I am. I'm a person doing a normal thing in my life and I shouldn't have to pretend like I'm awaiting a call or in the midst of an important conversation. I shouldn't have to act like I'm busy all the time and feel embarrassed for being a person waiting to get my Starbucks.

Do other people feel like they are under constant pressure to seem busy? To seem like they are getting likes on a picture, or a text message from friends, or reading a very important article on their phone? Are they as addicted as I am? Can I stand in a hallway, or isle, or sidewalk, and not feel like I need my phone in my hand to be valid?

You can choose to spend your time anyway that you like, just don't spend it how you think other people think you should.


I Miss it There Sometimes

22 February, 2017

I told myself I would never look back but I can't help but be haunted by the old me. Sometimes I look around at this city and am reminded of when I wanted to leave here so badly. I think it's the familiarity that makes me feel like a stranger in my own home. I don't know if this is where I'll spend the rest of my life but I've told myself this is where I want to be at least for now. I told myself I wouldn't look back on what I left behind to be here, but as I slip into old habits I'm scared of returning to that scary place.

I've made progress here. I smile everyday and I eat three meals. There are people that love me and I am subtly reminded everyday. I fit like a puzzle piece into more than a handful of lives. I'm comfortable and crossing the line into uncomfortable reminds me of who I was before I entered the city of refuge. I have everything I wanted and yet it doesn't feel like enough.

I don't know if I really miss being there, I know that sometimes I feel a longing for what could have been. I think of walking my dog to the park, seeing children get off a school bus, watching Gossip Girl in the afternoon. People moved like they were glued to a conveyor belt and they will never move from that straight lined path. I never made it to the path and I couldn't fit their schedules, but I really wished I had tried harder. I could have made it, I could have been apart of their comfort and ignorance, if I only tried harder. I should have opened myself more to the possibility of them. I should have made more friends and tried harder. Sometimes I wish I had tried harder.

I've said it before and going to that place made me who I am. I don't regret leaving it, but I miss how I felt before reality hit. Sometimes I miss what might have been if I had only tried harder.


Life Lately 📴

21 January, 2017

ripped stockings
dirty shoe laces
changing the radio station in search of something new?
feeling like I'm on the outside looking in
Drink water Drink water Drink water
listening to the same song for three hours
feeling like all of my art suddenly isn't good enough,
not wanting to show it to teachers
learning about velocity and finding a new meaning in my blog
I wish I had more t-shirts
I feel like everyone is trying too hard to be something
I just feel awkward
Always Awkward
chicken noodle soup

wish I had played volleyball
Never wanting to explain myself ever
putting a lot of effort into avoiding strangers
feeling disconnected from my friends, why don't they invite me out?
Everyday I try to take a step forward but sometimes things happen,
and it feels like four steps backward
Looking for ways to control my hair, my face,
Looking for ways to exercise, eat healthy,
washing my hands X3
I felt so busy yesterday and today I feel so empty
Sometimes I hurt my friends with my words because I don't know how to tell
them I miss them even though I've never even left, and I regret it.


❇️Goals For The New Year❇️

08 January, 2017

So far this year, I've heard a lot of people talk about how they are glad to have 2016 behind them. Personally, this year has not been a bad one for me and I don't think this year will be any better or worse than the last one. I can't say that life is what you make of it and a good attitude will fix everything, because that's not true. Things happen to people that are out of their control, but a year is just a year despite what the internet will tell you.

I've convinced myself that writing down things I want to do, will make them happen. I tell myself that maybe if I read about it enough, write about it enough, and think about it enough, I will motivate myself enough to change my life and be a better person. I think it's important to have goals that are attainable and that's what I've done here so hopefully you feel inspired or are able to do some of the same things I hope to!

    • Talk More/ Talk Less - I hope that next year I can learn to speak up when I need to be heard, and stop talking when my words do more harm than good.

    • Say Thank You to Strangers - To anyone who has ever held a door for me: thank you, and I am sorry I have not said that enough. 

    • Complete Projects on Time - I . .  don't have a solid . . .  plan . . .  for figuring out how to do this . .. . but. . ..  it will come to me.

    • Paint More - I miss painting and will put in more effort to do so this year.

    • Turn in my library books on time - I owe the state so much money.

    • Exercise (or try to)

    • Not eat less carbs, but eat more of things that are not carbs

    • Get more sleep

    • Spend less time on social media - It doesn't mean as much to me as I think it does.

    • Make my own decisions

    • Care less about things that don't matter - Like . . . how people think of me.

    • Walk my dog more often

    • Stare back at strangers who stare at me in public

    • Dye my hair and cut it

    • Eat More Cookies - because I love them yet never indulge. 


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