For The People Who Have Bits and Pieces of Me That I Never Gave Them

23 December, 2018

The thing that bothers me the most about being an adult is the amount of three-on-a-scale-of-one-to-ten-relationships I have to maintain. When you're a kid, everyone is your friend. As a teenager you have a select group of friends and BUT as an adult you have a bunch of friends, half friends, quarter friends, and five percent friends. And you have to make small talk with every person you meet and keep them in your pocket. You have to go and say hi to them when you see them in a supermarket even though you've only ever interacted with each other twice . . . unless you're like me and you'll walk all the way to the produce section to avoid waving at somebody.

On Wanting People

17 December, 2018

When I look at people I want to know what they're thinking. I want to know who they want to be and where they want to go and how they've changed. I think I can't ask them all these questions or get the answers I'm looking for, either inspiration or perfection.

Lately I've been trying to put people into boxes. Telling myself that I want to make them want me as much as I want them. Isn't that weird? To want people? You can't want another person because people come and they go and just because they come doesn't mean they belong to you because everyone is always their own . . . right?

Progress as a Person

30 November, 2018

Why would I put myself out there and start a conversation, where you could so easily say no, when it's safer back here, buying shoes for the run I'll never go on?


22 November, 2018

Trench Album Review + (track by track) lyric analysis

20 October, 2018

Trench came out Øctober 5th and I wanted to wait a bit before I reviewed it so I could really get to know these songs. I really like this album and have been hesitant to write/post about it because I want to make it perfect.I don't think I'll ever fully understand them but for now I have a lot of thoughts about it and would like to discuss!

When an album comes out from one of my favorite artists, I like to dedicate some time (or a whole day lol) to sit down and listen to it. I listen to the whole album uninterrupted a couple times to get a feel for the instruments and melodies. Then I listen to it again while reading the lyrics so I can understand the words and messages. I think this way I can truly get a first impression and my unedited thoughts without other people telling me what to think at first.

That being said, I've currently heard the album many times and have gone through lyrics and fan theories and everything, and hand picked my favorite lines from each song, my interpretation, and how the songs make me feel. All my many thoughts about Twenty Øne Pilots in one place, there's no above or under or around it.

7 Albums That Make Me Feel Human

20 September, 2018

Surprise! Music makes people feel lots of things! Music helps and calms and excites and inspires! I love it a lot! The more I think about it, the better I feel! Music reminds me that I'm alive, it makes me feel like nothing else.

As of September 2018, these are my favorite albums- not just bits and pieces of random artists who have 3 good songs. Every single song on these albums are an 11 out of 10, which is why this isn't just another playlist. The reason these records remind me that it's good to be alive is because they all have a wide variety of songs, from slow and dismal to upbeat and hopeful. They cover every different aspect of life and I keep coming back to them.

Being Pretty Does Not Equal Being Small (a poem)

14 September, 2018

I could never convince you                                 you can’t remember
that you've always                                              a life before me,
been enough.                                                     with skies that turned purple
as if you were just a body,                                  but the wrong happiness,
not a soul,                                                           when there was hope in your eyes
gentle and tough.                                                and a light in your chest.

I Am Out With The Night

08 September, 2018

For the longest time I thought I was the most creative at night and for the most part that's still true. I came home after a long day and took out my laptop, opened every social media, all my favorite blogs, and I read. I read things that were hard to read and things that were unimportant. I wrote about every single aspect of my life.

What I wrote was just for me and I'm not sure why I did it. I think maybe I wrote to just prove to myself that I can, to vent and let go and relinquish and explain. Because I thought about things over and over and when I know I had written it down I knew I didn't need to hold on so tight anymore.

8 Spoken Word Poems That Will Inspire You To Create & Heal & Change

22 August, 2018

I went through a phase where I watched a lot of spoken word poetry and it made me feel significantly less alone. I know how awkward poetry can be and that the stigma is that poets are arrogant and over dramatic (dare I say cliché?), but just watch a couple of these short videos, and I promise they'll inspire you and have you feeling some type of way. I feel more artsy just posting the links, because I know these people have experienced real things and they express them in ways that most of us just can't get out. Maybe some of these are too much, maybe they're just enough.

For some reason, these poems instantly transport me to a small apartment in New York and I can feel the raw emotion, you know? Someone has to talk about social issues, mental illness, and the ups and downs of being in love. Someone has to make a place for the tortured souls. Get in touch with your beret wearing, late-night-poetry-lounge side and have a good cry . .  or good laugh depending on which poems you choose.

All Of The People I Could Have Been

16 August, 2018

Perhaps this is the most Capricorn thing I've ever written, but I think a lot about having a profession that I've fallen in love with. Working somewhere that I have a hard time leaving, and doing meaningful work that takes me everywhere I want to be. I never want to look at a clock and count down the minutes until I can leave; I never want to not want to be somewhere.

This keeps me up at night, the idea that I could have been so many other different people, that maybe I still can. All of us could really just wake up one day and quit our jobs, cut our hair, and be someone else at anytime. I always foresee 50 year old me drinking coffee in my office at home for some reason, with a lot of dogs, and doing what I love.

when you’re not who you thought you were

11 August, 2018

 I have some ideas floating around in my head, but no real sense of direction, no one to really tell me where to go. Nothing feels like a phase, the way that phases should. Makes me wonder if it will always be like this. I can't really ever tell, and of course it's ridiculous to think that your life will stay one way forever, I know that. But there's no sure-fire-way to tell that it won't right? Maybe I'll always be this way: scattered in a million different directions. Maybe this is just growing up.

Listen To These Songs Written By Girls!

24 July, 2018

I have a bad habit of doing the same things over and over again without trying what's new. The same goes for my music taste and I've found that there are way too many under appreciated artists for me to pigeon-hole myself into a single category. About 90% of the music I listen to is made by male artists and 2018 is the year that I broaden my horizons and listen to all kinds of music, written by all kinds of people.

Eating Candy & Watching FRIENDS in Bed at 3pm

18 July, 2018

Every year you tell yourself that you crave this type of time. You say you are too stressed out and oh what you wouldn't give for some free time to just sit around and do nothing. You need a vacation and time to reflect and grow. You tell yourself that this what you like to do . . .  nothing.

There's something about sitting around and letting the day take you where it wants to that you absolutely love and you tell yourself that you are content with reading for twelve hours or drawing for twelve hours or essentially being on your phone for . . . twelves hours. But you're not. You want so much more with your life.

It's Worth Fighting For.

08 July, 2018

Being a studio artist or writer (or whatever it is I'm trying to do here) is NOT a rewarding career- only slightly more so than that of an actor, dancer, or musician. I have always been told that even though people love those things, and I wanted them more than anything, they are not worth fighting for. They will not support you and because you do not have the talent for them, they will not love you back.

This however, is not my painfully slow autobiography of how I became a famous dancer or actor, but instead a little bit of me realizing that all art is worth fighting for if you can't shake the idea from your head.

names: a poem

11 April, 2018

           I don’t want to give this stupid thing
that takes away the things I want to do, a name.
I don’t want to call her,
because I know she’ll just tell me not to set an alarm tomorrow,
I know she’ll tell me not to leave the house.

If you name something, it becomes real.
If I name it then I have to confront it,
then maybe get some help, and maybe
I’m comfortable wallowing in my own lonely because
I haven’t seen anything but for so long and I’m scared
of relapse, scared that I’ll taste a different kind of comfort
and then fall so hard from that feeling.
I don't want happy if it means there will be days that take it away.

If it means I have to come back here after learning how to live a different way.

Of course, maybe that’s just her talking.
Trying to trick me into staying here,
like girl scouts who look at you
with those big eyes after you tell them you don’t want their cookies,
you don’t want what they’re selling, you need the money.
I can’t say yes anymore because I’m too afraid of no.

I need to leave the house, need to speak today.

When I open my mouth the words come out cracked and broken,
and I know that’s what they want.

It’s so easy to just not go back to class,
to watch due dates pass me by,
pretend I have text messages to ignore
But I’m not sick, I’m not sick.


A Not Sad Playlist

13 February, 2018

Sometimes I listen to music because I find it's easier to focus on a voice that's not my own. I used to listen to songs that were fast and aggressive and loud because I thought that made me special, and it gave me something to focus on when I thought I had nothing else. I've realized since then that I love music because it is purely magic and I want to focus on that feeling, instead of things just make my heart race. These are a few of recent favorites:

Let Them In - PVRIS

"I wanna feel something, that's not the weight of your world in my head." 

Temple - Tonight Alive

"I've been suffocated by my obsession, and I cannot stand the sight, 
of all the pain I see in my reflection, and my fading will to fight." 

Raising The Bar - Envoi

"kingdoms rise, reigns will end, 
houses on sand won't weather the wind"

Tonight I'm Letting Go - The Material

"they say you reap the seeds you sow,
and just so you know, tonight I'm letting go"

Supercut - Lorde

"ours are the moments I play in the dark,
we were wild and florescent, come home to my heart"

26 - Paramore

"they say that dreaming is free,
but I wouldn't care what it cost me"

Hard Feelings/ Loveless - Lorde

"I light all the candles, got flowers for all my rooms,
I care for myself the way I used to care about you."

Smoke - PVRIS

"you're just a ghost of blissful feelings"

Proof - Paramore

"my heart is bigger than the distance in between us, 
I know it cause I feel it beating"

The Other Side - Tonight Alive

"cause every time I ran, I ran to you,
I meant it every time I said I loved you."


some things I'd really rather you didn't know

11 January, 2018

(( inspired by this post from thought catalog))

I love to sing in my car at the top of my lungs. I roll all the windows down and am that person who shows up to the stop light with music blasting from their car. I don't even care who sees me at this point because I feel like I am so incredibly free when I sing and dance. Music makes me free.

Lately I've been writing poetry and it also makes me feel good. I love watching spoken word poetry on youtube and it makes me so inspired. I've always written down lines that I think of throughout the day in my phone (there's a lot) and one day I just wrote two pages of my thoughts in verse and it felt like I found a piece of myself I didn't know was missing. Sometimes I pretend they are songs and sometimes they are french-coffee-house-on-a-summer-night poetry. I have been putting little lines together ever since and I have enough to publish a book someday, a little cliche I know, but it makes me feel like me.

I live my life in my pajamas 90% of the time. If we're not face to face, I'm wearing pajamas.

I watched all of the Star Wars movies a couple of years ago on new years eve and I've been obsessed ever since. 

This year has been really hard for me because everything I used to know has changed. All of my friends that I used to rely on every single day have disappeared from my life and I'm trying to cope with that.

I used to have a lot of reoccurring dreams as a child. Usually I had dreams about running from some sort of monster or there were people chasing me and I was running.  I get a lot of dreams about running from natural disasters or living in elaborate homes with doors that lead to different worlds. Maybe there's some sort of hidden meaning there.


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