when you’re not who you thought you were

 I have some ideas floating around in my head, but no real sense of direction, no one to really tell me where to go. Nothing feels like a phase, the way that phases should. Makes me wonder if it will always be like this. I can't really ever tell, and of course it's ridiculous to think that your life will stay one way forever, I know that. But there's no sure-fire-way to tell that it won't right? Maybe I'll always be this way: scattered in a million different directions. Maybe this is just growing up.

I just wish something would pull me so I could follow it. I wish I had a burst of inspiration that lasted long enough so I could finish a project and follow a dream.

This of course, is just me asking myself to choose anything other than what I want to do. It's not rewarding, it's likely I won't make it . . . but it's what I want. It's stupid to want this and I'm scared it's just a phase. I am scared that I'll build up the courage to do what I want and it will all have just been a phase. The ideas will fade and I'll fall apart along the way, but it will be too late for me to go back and do anything else so I'll just be . . . stuck.

Ugh how horrible it must be to have so many options, right? To want so many things and be practically able to follow any of them! To have to choose everything alone, right?

I've always been scared of doing things by myself, of making bad decisions and having no one to blame. That's why I've been taking small risks that I know don't really have a chance of failure. Things like playing guitar and buying weird clothes, signing up for opportunities where I know I can't lose. It's all so unimportant but it's the most important thing I've ever done.

I've watched Amélie and I know she pretends other things are more important so she doesn't have to follow her heart. I know life works itself out and I can't really go wrong with following my heart. I know these are empty promises, that none of it really means anything.

The truth is, I don't know what to do or where to go. I'm scared to leap, I'll convince myself there was never any joy in flying in the first place. I'm being melodramatic. It's time to stop thinking, and do.

 So, my little Amélie, you don’t have bones of glass. You can take life’s knocks. If you let this chance pass, eventually, your heart will become as dry and brittle as my skeleton.

Amélie (2001)

XOXOXO