a poem from each month of 2020

13 December 2020

keeping secrets

12 November 2020

I've kept secrets my entire life. Some people say that not telling the truth is the same thing as telling a lie, but I disagree. I think we all have to keep things to ourselves sometimes, it makes them more special that way. Maybe I keep secrets so that I never have to know what other people might think of me. I don't want their opinion on the things that are important to me incase they damage my fragile ego but I wonder if it's wrong to hide things sometimes. I wonder if people would want to know.

Lately with all this time I have at home, I've been working on artwork and I am more tempted than ever to share it. Not having to see people in person or experience their reaction is motivating in a way to pursue what I want. I'm used to storing my poems or songs or drawings or writings for the future incase I have the courage or opportunity to show them in a way that is meaningful but now everything is up in the air. The future is so uncertain that I'm tempted to just post on my Instagram for everyone I know to see and then hide my phone so I don't have to deal with the consequences. I'm jealous of other people who are able to put themselves out there so easily.

Sometimes I think that I only make art so I can receive praise and attention from other people. Someone I know posted one of my drawings and it got a lot of really good responses, I didn't know that other people cared about what I did. When I feel really alone I try to think about all of the people who know I exist and try to remind myself that they care. They care, I just wish I could speak to them.

The art I've posted online compared to the art that I haven't posted is proof that I don't do any of this for the attention. How can I think I'm vain when I keep everything a secret? When I put on more than a mask and hide more than my face, what does it mean when it feels like no one else really knows who you are? Maybe I'll get that same positive response again and it will mean everything. Maybe I'll put my heart out there because I've kept it inside for years and there will be no response at all, silence. Will the people who I think are cool, think I'm cool? Everything is so strange.

When I look at interviews of artists who I love, I am so thankful they decided to share their work. I am so thankful they had the courage. How can I compare myself to people like that? Am I a narcissist? What? If? I? Fail? Keeping secrets gets tiring after a while and with time they don't mean as much. I want to show other people the things I care about and use their reaction as proof that they care about me. I want your validation but I don't want to want it. If other people can put themselves out there why can't I? Why can't I?


despite my flaws, I wish for the best

05 October 2020

One of my favorite things in the world is the "People Watchingseries on youtube and there's this particular episode about nostalgia that struck me and it talks about how people are always romanticizing the past. And it does feel that way, like pop culture is always trying to make us remember eras that we didn't even exist in and fondly think of things like high school when we were such completely different people. And I am definitely a person who likes to think about things after they are done because then I don't have to remember them for what they were. Every semester I get nostalgic about classes once they are over and immediately forget the late nights I was stressed and working on assignments. I hated carrying books and sitting in air conditioned rooms full of people who I probably have so much in common with but could never find the courage to talk to and yet I still missed it because I wanted to exist in that universe where I thought I knew what is right and where no one ever proved me wrong. 

the summer we stayed inside | a poem

28 September 2020

forget me not | a poem or a song

14 September 2020

8 Documentaries On Issues That Are Bigger Than Us

31 July 2020

the idea of being better keeps me awake

26 June 2020

I wrote a few weeks ago (in this post) about how I'm desperately trying to be present and in a state of self awareness. I've felt stuck and like I can't really move forward through the haze and in a sense I'm trying to take a little step towards being more of my best self. Someday when I am that person I think I'll be in a better place mentally, physically, socially, psychologically, all of it.

This idea of "my best self" is really what drives me as a person and I'm still figuring out which pieces of my life right now, the things that I like and do, are going to stick around and prove to be core aspects of myself as a person in the future. I think I have a hard time really accepting and giving my all to things like art, writing, music, etc., because I'm afraid they won't be in my life forever and therefore I shouldn't commit to them. I know I've been writing songs since I was a child but what if it is still just a phase? What if I'm distancing myself from things now so I have nothing to let go of later? I still spend a lot of time consuming those same hobbies (art, music, film, books, etc.) and that inspires a large part of who I think I want to be in 10, 20, or 30 years, so maybe my whole idea of self is skewed. Maybe people are different than what I think they are.

On Being Present

15 May 2020

For a while I've had a feeling that I'm not quite myself. Or that I'm myself but not my best self or my most productive self or my most present self. And maybe it's been art block or just my situation but I want to try to be more of an active participant in my own life.

I want to be more aware and conscious of my feelings like I used to be and find a way to be that person again. There's something about this time and this place that makes me feel like I'm just living on the surface. Like there are thoughts and opinions I am keeping and I can reach them more if I just knew where they were hiding. If I knew which hike I need to take or book I need to read or song I need to listen to in order to clear my mind. I've been calling it presence- what I'm looking for is the ability to be present again.

Last Winter in Poetry

16 April 2020

The seasons make such a difference. Winter is always a transitional time for me, maybe both an exciting and dull time at the same time. These are a few highlights and memories and ideas.

the days blend together

05 April 2020

We are in a weird place. The days are blending together and my sleep schedule is quite abnormal. This time is where I like to think that I thrive because being stuck in the house all day lets me finally catch up on what I've been avoiding. I've always loved taking time to do absolutely nothing and just slow down the busy routine from day to day.

This is why I've always loved Sundays and Summer because I feel really at peace when I can sleep in, make a quality breakfast, read a book, and take time to enjoy the sunlight coming through windows because I don't have to rush to another place. Having to constantly think about how I am going to break my day down to go through a check list really stresses me out when I do it for a while and I really hope to be in a place one day where I feel like I am in much more control and can do the things that really make me happy.

how to be alone.

24 February 2020

Loneliness is something I think about a lot. Are any of us ever really alone? If we are all feeling the same empty loneliness, then does that bring us together somehow? I know I'm not really alone. I know people. I speak to other people on a regular basis. I've written about what it means to me to have a real conversation or connection or friendship and I've also written about the absence of them. It has already been said that interacting with other people or not actually being alone doesn't prevent that feeling of loneliness though, and I also know this.

Loneliness is something you can get used to. Something you can pretend doesn't actually happen, at least not to you. Loneliness can make you feel guilty, ungrateful for not appreciating what you have. It can creep in, knock on the door, look like introversion, and make you tell other people that you have "just been really busy lately." You can't just tell other people that you are lonely and ask them to fix it, you can't just explain in a way that makes sense, you can't just make it go away. There is no easy fix, no cure for that sinking feeling, only a facade that you put on while you wait for better days. There is just coping. And hoping. Until you aren't anymore.

girls who wear heels in the mosh pit

13 January 2020

I went to a local rock show a little while ago where I saw these girls dancing in a mosh pit and it's something I've been thinking about for a while. This isn't something I do often but whenever I get the courage to go out and see the world, I always see really cool people doing really cool things and it gives me a warm feeling. These girls looked like they were having the time of their lives and they were making space for themselves in a way that I've always wanted to and I hope they never stop.

To give some context, I go out sometimes to these shows because I love music and I want to surround myself with people who feel the same way. I've been trying to put myself out there and become a part of this scene that seems to be doing so much good. I can't stop thinking about these people who play their own instruments and make their own songs and sing their own words to their friends who dance for them. People who wear their own handmade clothes and all hang out late into the night watching each other walk up to the stage to play their songs. Everything here is DIY and honest and real.

I think I romanticize things too much sometimes (i.e. this post) and I maybe want to believe things are better than they are. I want to believe that there are really good things out there and I just have to try hard enough to get them. At these shows I know these people are not perfect and I don't love being in a room full of strangers. I've gone to a few and started to reevaluate why when   I   saw    these    girls.

They were dressed up, some wearing piercings, some wearing all black, tall heels and short hair. They were a group of friends coming into this mostly male space full of serious faces and they lightened the mood. They came fashionably late and moved up to the front of the room without hesitation while I had been lingering in a comfortable spot in the middle this whole time. And when the band I had been waiting for finally played, and a space in the center opened for people to dance and push and jump around, they looked and they joined in.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I want their courage. Not to join a mosh pit or wear heels in public but to be myself. I want to be able to look at a bunch of strangers dancing and not be afraid to walk in. I want to look the way I want to look and be accepted by a bunch of people who look the same. Isn't that what everybody wants?

They reminded me to take risks. They reminded me what fun looks like. I always thought these things were for people who could afford to be reckless and unafraid but maybe there is room for people like us too. Maybe things are out there and we can have them if we want them. I'm tired of waiting.


© the velocity of heart. FCD.