the summer we stayed inside | a poem

28 September 2020

movies just make me think about the time 
when it was safe to go outside
and I miss being somewhere new.
I miss getting dressed
and I miss seeing you.
they tell me to use this time
to make myself again
but I don't think I'll ever feel right
about any of this.

I pray this time
the numbers are down
but you know they're not
so we drive around town.
why do I miss seeing people
who have never seen me?
you're so well adjusted
I don't speak anymore
you're so well adjusted
I pace the same floors

If it's not the heat of the summer,
it's the stares from my neighbors,
I can't get far enough away from people.
the lines are muddied and grey,
and still yet I pray,
for a chance to feel like myself again.
I worry things will never get better,
no amount of screen time can bring us together.

people are outside in the streets,
we've written down the names,
you woke up and decided
to be an activist today.
if people don't see my face
will they forget all about me?
if I'm stuck in the same place
what kind of person can I be?
am I always going to feel invisible?
am I ever going to feel like enough?
I'd like to see how you are handling this so easily.

what is it about me
that craves interaction
but can never get far enough away?
I worry I'll always push people away.
you put on a mask
and they have to look through your eyes
I never wanted to be this transparent
I never wanted to share a crisis with the world.
somehow now I'm more ordinary than ever
and I'm ready to tear down the walls.

the days blend together,
but now the sun shines forever,
what a cruel joke,
to have to spend an entire summer


© the velocity of heart. FCD.