poetry from this time last year

22 October, 2020

maybe we'll always want to pack our bags

grey city sky
sees me singing in my car
you don't love the rain, you love
the feeling of being trapped inside

are we obstructing your view?
is it easier to hide behind what you know?

I didn't think it could get any better until it did
we didn't think we could get any better until we did

I am so tired of this year.
I don't think there's anything
out there for me
and I am so afraid.
I'm tired of this place
finding new ways to break me.
It's been years
of plotting my escape.

feeling unwanted, unloved
like if you cared
then push would've come
to shove.

something inside of me
wants to be the light.
I didn't know it was there.
I wasn't ready for a fight.

wish that I could be consciously aware.
wish that the subconscious thoughts
would come up from the underground
and tell me what I needed to hear.

I'm tired of guessing

jokes on me, I thought I could pretend it was over
without actually making a change
ignoring the problem
hoping it wouldn't come back to me one day
but I pretend to know now
you can't pretend the problems away
you have to actually see them go

I am wasting
my time
watching the days pass
me by

I want to pour my heart out to you
but I fear after I will have nothing


despite my flaws, I wish for the best

05 October, 2020

One of my favorite things out there in the world is the "People Watching" series on youtube and there's this particular episode about nostalgia that struck me about how it seems like people are always romanticizing the past. And it does feel that way, like pop culture is always trying to make us remember eras that we didn't even exist in and fondly think of things like high school when we were such completely different people. And I am definitely a person who likes to think about things after they are done because then I don't have to remember them for what they were. Every semester I get nostalgic about classes once they are over and immediately forget the late nights I was stressed and working on assignments. I hated carrying books and sitting in air conditioned rooms full of people who I probably have so much in common with but could never find the courage to talk to and yet I still miss all of this because I want to exist in that universe where I think I know what is right and where no one has ever proved me wrong. 

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