despite my flaws, I wish for the best

05 October 2020

One of my favorite things in the world is the "People Watchingseries on youtube and there's this particular episode about nostalgia that struck me and it talks about how people are always romanticizing the past. And it does feel that way, like pop culture is always trying to make us remember eras that we didn't even exist in and fondly think of things like high school when we were such completely different people. And I am definitely a person who likes to think about things after they are done because then I don't have to remember them for what they were. Every semester I get nostalgic about classes once they are over and immediately forget the late nights I was stressed and working on assignments. I hated carrying books and sitting in air conditioned rooms full of people who I probably have so much in common with but could never find the courage to talk to and yet I still missed it because I wanted to exist in that universe where I thought I knew what is right and where no one ever proved me wrong. 


I know life has its ups and downs and I shouldn't only remember the ups or only remember the downs but I do. I feel like we all remember one thing or another and can never really hold onto the whole picture which is why we live with all of these stereotypes and clichés. I remember the details like the shape of the room and the walk from the stairs to the door but I don't remember who sat behind me or what grade I got on the midterm. I don't remember what I said but I remember feeling embarrassed. I don't remember what I looked like but I remember feeling ashamed. It makes it hard to reflect and grow when all you think about is what you don't control and you can't really grasp the reality of your life. 

So I am a nostalgic person in the sense that I always miss things before they are gone. I always think about the strong emotions I feel in the moment and then later I miss the windows and the carpet. I am always fixated on the idea that maybe I could have been something better then if I only had the knowledge I do now. I'm nostalgic because I carry pictures in my pockets but I would never go back in time if I could because there is so much I am begging to experience in this moment. As much as I hate myself for missing opportunities and not being as perfect as possible, I'm more hopeful for what the future brings than I am regretful of the past.


I'm not really scared for the future, I'm terrified of the moment. Maybe I'm more present than I think I am. I think about how I have so many deadlines to meet, so many projects to start and finish, but I do dream of the places I want to live and the life I want to lead. 

I want good things for myself, sometimes that is hard to say. Despite being scared I have dreams and ambitions that I will get to someday. I'll tackle the issues I want to even though I can't choose one right now. One day I'll be able to make decisions and one day I'll get my voice back. 

Let's just say I'm hopeful for the possibility of someday being hopeful. I don't know how things will get better but I want them to and that is enough for now. I deserve to give my dreams a chance to become real even though sometimes I don't even think they deserve the space they take up in my mind. I even want to see other people succeed. And for that to happen we can only move forward. Things will get better. 

XOXOXO

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  1. It will get better! You are so loved. Thinking of you

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    1. Thank you, this means a lot to me ♡ ♡

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  2. thank you for introducing people watching. I took one look at the list of videos and I was immediately interested. it somehow reminds me of a youtube channel named Kurzgesagt – a channel for videos "explaining things with optimistic nihilism", accompanied by amazing colorful animations for visualisation.

    this post speaks to me so much and I feel like I'm reading something plucked from my own mind. I'm not going to call myself a nostalgic person either. I mean, sure, when we see films and other pop culture mediums, those things can induce a sense of "I remember when..." but without them, I mostly go through life like a busy bee who constantly worries about the present and the future, not so much on the past. I guess I'm just not...that in tune with my feelings and being able to sit down with the thought of "remember when the past..." – I think people carry around a piece of the past with them are people who are strong empaths. A part of me also don't want to venture into that zone because I have ambitions and things I want to do or achieve at the moment so I don't have time mourning over the past. I think I just don't let myself pause to feel as much? I don't know, maybe I'm not making any sense right now.

    my point is, I share the same sentiment as the ones you wrote in this post when it comes to the present and future. The only difference is I don't know if I believe things will get better. I'm rather nihilistic about life, quite honestly. so instead of holding onto the belief that 'it will get better', I just think 'this is just me, trying to survive yet another day.'

    Love this thoughtful post, btw.

    x, teanenbaum.com

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    1. I'm really glad you liked People Watching and the channel you recommended seems really cool! I also like that you brought up people who are empaths because I think that makes a real difference in how we experience things and maybe there is a connection between those that are nostalgic and people who feel too much? There is something about the fact that you know you don't pause to remember things as much and it's just as important to be present, you made a lot of sense! Thank you for your thoughts! ♡

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