despite my flaws, I wish for the best

05 October, 2020

One of my favorite things out there in the world is the "People Watching" series on youtube and there's this particular episode about nostalgia that struck me about how it seems like people are always romanticizing the past. And it does feel that way, like pop culture is always trying to make us remember eras that we didn't even exist in and fondly think of things like high school when we were such completely different people. And I am definitely a person who likes to think about things after they are done because then I don't have to remember them for what they were. Every semester I get nostalgic about classes once they are over and immediately forget the late nights I was stressed and working on assignments. I hated carrying books and sitting in air conditioned rooms full of people who I probably have so much in common with but could never find the courage to talk to and yet I still miss all of this because I want to exist in that universe where I think I know what is right and where no one has ever proved me wrong. 

I know life has its ups and downs and I shouldn't only remember the ups or only remember the downs but I do. I feel like we all remember one thing or another and can never really hold onto the whole picture which is why we live with all of these stereotypes and clichés. I once wrote a poem with a line that said "you don't even remember what happened, you only remember the way it made you feel," and that line rings so true for me. I remember the details like the shape of the room and the walk from the stairs to the door but I don't remember who sat behind me or what grade I got on the midterm. I don't remember what I said but I remember feeling embarrassed. I don't remember what I looked like but I remember feeling ashamed. It makes it hard to reflect and grow when all you think about is what you don't control and you can't really grasp the reality of your life. 

So I am a nostalgic person in the sense that I always miss things before they are gone. I always think about the strong emotions I feel in the moment and then later I miss the windows and the carpet. I am always fixated on the idea that maybe I could have been something better then if I only had the knowledge I do now. And that is the reason I would never want to go back. I'm nostalgic because I carry pictures in my pockets but I would never go back in time if I could because there is so much I am begging to experience in this moment. As much as I hate myself for missing opportunities and not being as perfect as possible, I guess I actually am hopeful for what the future brings.

I'm suppose I'm not really scared for the future, I'm terrified of the moment. Maybe I am more present than I think I am. I think about how I have so many deadlines to meet, so many projects to start and finish, but I actually do dream of the places I want to live and the life I want to lead. I'm stuck not knowing how to get there or what the next couple of weeks will look like, not the next couple of years.

I want good things for myself, sometimes that is hard to say. Despite being self-centered, irresponsible and scared, I have dreams and ambitions that I will get to someday. I'll tackle the issues I want to even though I can't even choose one right now. One day I'll be able to make decisions and one day I'll get my voice back. 

Let's just say I'm hopeful for the possibility of someday being hopeful. I don't know how things will get better but I want them to and that is enough for now. I know that I deserve to give my dreams at least chance to become real even though sometimes I don't think even I deserve to dream. I want to see myself succeed. I want to even see other people succeed. And for that to happen we can only move forward. Things will get better. 


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