On Crying

25 November, 2020

I cry when watching romantic-comedies. I cry when listening to slow music. I cry on the floor, in bed, in the bathroom. I cry at the doctor's office. I cry at my therapist's office. I cry at the movies. I cry in front of my parents, my teachers, my friends. I cry on my dog. I cry in the morning, in the evening, and at night. I cry more than I care to admit and then I write sad poetry about the tears. I cry when I experience physical pain or experience emotional pain. I cry because I have allergies. I cry because I am sad. I cry because there is some force inside of me that is overwhelmed with emotion from time to time and my body releases those feelings through tears and that is okay. 

I never really understood how people could cry so much as a child and I reserved crying for big, overwhelming events. As someone who is no longer a child I realize that a lot of things in life are big, overwhelming events. I often cry in anticipation of things because the stress of knowing is enough. I know that the things that upset me are never random and the physical reactions I experience are the result of the emotions I bury. Tears for me are always a manifestation of something deeper, a strong connection to what is happening and they are always proof of how much I care, whether I want to admit it or not.

I never want to be emotional in front of people. People earn my trust and after years of breaking down my many, many walls, I deign to show them my emotions and only then might I cry in front of them. Children are taught that crying is something to be embarrassed about and real people do not have a strong emotional attachment to anything. I am slowly learning that crying does not make you weak. Caring does not make you weak.

I always have a hard time explaining why I cry. All it takes is the subtle motion of wiping your eyes for people ask: "what's wrong?" and I never know how to answer. The internet always tells me to be honest and the truth is I just feel a lot of things now. Maybe I don't deal with my emotions in a healthy way although I've tried all of the things they tell you to try: writing, journaling, painting, therapy, breaking things. Some help, some don't. There are more things to try, I guess. 

Sometimes I just look at myself in the mirror and cry because I don't understand what I see. Sometimes I cry when other people are happy. Movie endings make me cry. Speaking up makes me cry. Telling the truth makes me cry. In retrospect, these things are telling. It's weird how your subconscious knows things before you do, sometimes the body just reacts.

It feels like even when other people feel the same things, they are just too far away to count as real. I used to think that knowing other people feel the same is just another way of invalidating my own feelings, making them feel small, but it's really just a reminder that things are not as bad as they seem. The only thing that is comforting is knowing it can get better, you just have to wait a really long time, sometimes. 

A while ago my friend gave me a book with articles from RookieMag.com and looking through it reminded me that we all really have the same experiences. It really doesn't feel that way sometimes, a lot of the time, but a lot more things are relatable that I think they are. And that's the best thing, not being alone.


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